In the early hours of Wednesday morning, the United States Constitution awoke in its usual place in the National Archives, only to find itself surrounded by the entire Supreme Court, each Justice clutching an ominously red-stained pen.

With less than 5 hours left to vote in some parts of the US, activewear competitor Fabletics finds itself at the center of mounting national tension as Americans wait for what many are calling “the most anticipated brand endorsement of the century.”

In an unprecedented turn of events, local man Gary Millard, who had been painstakingly mulling over his choice in the upcoming election, found his decision crystallize in an instant Monday morning as he drove past a “Tom Watts for Mayor” yard sign strategically placed next to an impressive display of petunias.

According to several sources close to Trump, he has a “100 percent foolproof plan” to “call out sick” if election night doesn’t go his way.

The friend group, who prefers the impersonal, mildly seasoned safety of TGI Fridays over local establishments, gathered at their favorite suburban location to "drink, eat, and repeat until it all just feels like the Fridays they know and love."

In a revelation shaking the very foundation of male bathroom routines, a new study from the Cambridge Institute for Modern Hygiene has found that wiping your penis after peeing is not only normal—it’s actually “totally rad.”

Word quickly spread across the resort, sparking fierce debate about whether the Dawsons are “Annual Retreat material.”

As a local news reporter, I need to tell parents of America about anything that may scare them, so that’s exactly what I did.

In a shocking turn of events that has left an indelible mark on the small town and, quite possibly, the world, reports emerged this morning that Brad Daniels, 28, and Janice Fletcher, 27, have officially ended their relationship.