Musk To Let Trump Use The Car On Friday Night
Sources close to the duo report that Elon Musk has graciously decided to let Donald Trump take the car out on Friday night—but only if he promises to be home by 11 PM and charges the Tesla before he gets home. "It's important to teach responsibility," Musk explained at a recent press conference, where he spoke about the challenges of parenting an excitable president. "Donald really wanted to go out with his friends, but I had to remind him that borrowing the car comes with conditions. We can't have him joyriding around Mar-a-Lago with Steve Bannon in the passenger seat, blaring Kid Rock again."
SCARY: Could Your Child’s Soccer Coach Be A Terrorist?
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to wake up. While you were busy watching your child dribble down the soccer field, did you stop to ask yourself: Could Coach Martinez actually be an undercover operative, plotting something sinister while pretending to care about your kid’s footwork? If you didn’t, well, that’s why we’re here—to do your thinking for you.
RFK Jr. Admits He's Been Eating All The Eggs
Newly appointed Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. confessed yesterday to consuming the country's entire egg supply. "I couldn't help myself," Kennedy admitted in a press conference, yolk still visible on his tie. "Every time I saw an egg, I just had to eat it. Omelets, scrambles, even raw – you name it, I ate it." This startling admission comes as Americans face soaring egg prices, with some states reporting costs up to $10 per dozen. Retailers like Trader Joe's have implemented purchase limits to manage the dwindling supply.
U.S. Senate Celebrates Very Special Birthday, Boy
The U.S. Senate came together Tuesday for a truly historic event, throwing a grand birthday bash for Senator Mitch McConnell, who, according to official records, turned an astonishing 200 years old. The celebration, held in the Capitol Rotunda, featured all the hallmarks of a distinguished congressional gathering: excessive decorum, an unreasonably large cake, and several speeches that took so long.
Trump To Eliminate DEI From Drinking Fountains
In his ongoing war against the tyranny of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI), President Donald J. Trump has announced his latest act of heroism: the full elimination of DEI from America’s drinking fountains. At a packed rally in Alabama, surrounded by devoted patriots, Trump declared, “No more woke water! We’re bringing back good old-fashioned American hydration!”
Trump Enacts Prima Nocta
President Donald Trump has signed an executive order reinstating the archaic and widely debunked medieval practice known as "Prima Nocta." The President announced this decision during an impromptu press conference at Mar-a-Lago, stating, "We're bringing back the best traditions, the greatest traditions. People are saying they want this. Tremendous support."
War Grinds On As Peace Talks Continue to Falter Between Baldoni and Lively
Despite numerous attempts at diplomacy, the bitter feud between actors Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni shows no sign of abating, with tensions escalating to Cold War-levels of passive-aggressive social media posts and cryptic late-night talk show jabs.
SCIENCE: New Study Finds Americans Now 1% Soda
A groundbreaking new study from the National Institute of Nutrition (NIN) has revealed that the average American is now composed of approximately 1% soda, marking a historic milestone in human physiology. Scientists, who had been monitoring the effects of excessive sugary beverage consumption for decades, admitted they were both impressed and slightly horrified by the findings. “We’ve always known Americans loved soda,” said Dr. Linda Carbon, lead researcher at NIN. “But we never imagined they’d physically become part soda.”
Vice President Vance Serves ‘Glorious, Cut, Penis’ To Europes Leaders at Munich Security Conference
In a masterclass of raw leadership and strategic dominance, Vice President JD Vance stunned the world at the Munich Security Conference by unveiling what he proudly called his "glorious, cut, penis" in a bold and unprecedented act of diplomatic brilliance.
U.S. To Offer Citizenship Plus & Citizenship Ultra
In an effort to modernize the immigration process that many are calling “a total fucking doomsday scheme,” and the beginning of “tiered living,” President Donald Trump announced today the introduction of Citizenship Plus and Citizenship Ultra, two premium options for those seeking the American Dream.
Filler News Content Way Down In 2025
Media analysts report that 2025 has seen a dramatic decline in filler news content, leaving Americans dangerously overexposed to actual, substantive information. Since President Trump’s return to office and the abrupt launch of a global tariff war that economists are describing as either “a 4D chess move,” or “basically a game of Jenga,” news outlets have struggled to find time for their usual steady diet of feel-good puppy stories, TikTok trends, and breathless speculation about celebrity Instagram likes.
Text Groups Explode As First Halftime Show Opinions Roll In
Millions of text groups across the country are reaching unprecedented levels of activity tonight as the first opinions about the Super Bowl halftime show came flooding in. Reports indicate that within seconds of the final note, smartphones overheated, friendships were tested, and at least three family group chats were permanently disbanded.
By The Numbers: Jake Elliott Worst Kicker Ever In Super Bowl
As the Philadelphia Eagles prepare for Super Bowl LIX, kicker Jake Elliott has achieved the dubious distinction of being statistically the worst kicker to ever grace the game's grandest stage. Let's delve into the numbers that highlight this unprecedented level of ineptitude.
All Big Boys Ready for Biggest Game
The air is thick with anticipation as the biggest boys in the land prepare for the biggest game of the year. Yes, it’s that time again—when big men in tight pants collide with each other at full speed while America collectively consumes cheese. The Super Bowl, known officially as “The Most Important Day in America (Other Than Black Friday),” is set to feature the two largest groups of large men who have trained their entire lives to move the ball. The stakes? Immortality, corporate sponsorships, and at least 30 minutes of ads that remind us about cars.
Doctors Say Biden's Condition “Adorable” Now
Doctors who once described Joe Biden’s mental acuity as a matter of “grave national concern” during his presidency now agree that his condition has transitioned into what can only be called “endearingly adorable.”
How To Talk To A Friend Who Just Came Back From The Bathroom With Red Eyes After An Emotional Super Bowl Commercial
In a world where nachos flow freely, and the halftime show gets debated for weeks, nothing stirs the soul—or the tear ducts—quite like an emotionally manipulative Super Bowl commercial. If you’ve ever found yourself at a Super Bowl party, nacho in hand, facing a friend who just returned from the bathroom with red, watery eyes, here’s a step-by-step guide to navigate this emotionally charged moment.
Super Bowl National Anthem to Be Sung By “Wickedly Talented” Adele Dazeem
The NFL announced today that this year’s Super Bowl National Anthem will be performed by none other than the enigmatic and legendary, wickedly talented, Adele Dazeem, famously introduced to the world by John Travolta during the 2014 Academy Awards.
Michael Bay Snags Film Rights To Tragic Collision Over The Potomac
Director Michael Bay has reportedly acquired the film rights to the recent tragic mid-air collision over the Potomac River. The incident, which occurred on January 29, 2025, involved an American Airlines Bombardier CRJ700 passenger jet and a U.S. Army UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter, resulting in the loss of all 67 individuals on board both aircraft.
Punxsutawney Phil Predicts At Least Six More Weeks of Climate Disaster
At this year’s Groundhog Day ceremony, the world-famous Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his burrow, took one look at his surroundings, and promptly issued a bleak prediction: at least six more weeks of climate disaster. The announcement came as a surprise to the gathered crowd of Phil enthusiasts, many of whom were expecting the traditional meteorological forecast of either an early spring or prolonged winter.
CBS Evening News Revamp Mandated By Sun God Ra
CBS executives revealed that their latest version of the CBS Evening News, now co-anchored by John Dickerson and Maurice DuBois, was not a product of careful rebranding or market analysis—but a divine edict from none other than Ra, the ancient Egyptian Sun God.