BREAKING: First Gathering In Living Room A Total Bust
In what many are calling “a dismal failure of spatial planning and social synergy,” the inaugural gathering in 32-year-old Jared Turman’s newly redesigned living room was declared a complete bust Thursday night.
FINALLY: Family Adds Grandma to Family Plan So They Can All Get New iPhones
After years of dodging her grandchildren’s persistent tech-related pleas and a half-dozen debates over the dinner table, 84-year-old Doris Reynolds was officially added to the Reynolds family phone plan this week.
Talking Food, Sex & Travel With Lincoln, The Eagle That Swoops Into The Stadium Before Eagles Games
Every Philadelphia Eagles home game begins the same way: a piercing scream, a rush of wind, and the majestic sight of Lincoln, the stadium’s resident bald eagle, soaring across the sky. But beyond the theatrics, who is Lincoln? What drives the most famous avian icon in football?
Families Once Again Concerned That Hearing Each Other's Real Opinions Could Ruin Holiday
As the holiday season approaches, families across the nation are gearing up for another round of traditions, turkey, and tactful conversational tiptoeing. Sources report that, once again, many are bracing for the annual struggle to avoid any scenario where a loved ones real opinion could accidentally surface and detonate the delicate peace like a flaming yule log in a gas station.
8 Sweaters Your Tween Son Will Put In His Mouth
Parenting a tween boy is a wild ride. One day, they’re obsessively collecting Pokémon cards, and the next, they’re aggressively shoving a turtleneck into their gaping maw like it’s a competitive eating contest. But don’t worry—we’ve got you covered! Here are eight sweaters perfect for your tween son’s inexplicable need to chew on fabric.
Study Finds Average SEPTA Rider Inhales One Whole Rat Every Year
A groundbreaking study released Monday by the University of Pennsylvania has confirmed that the average rider on the Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority (SEPTA) unwittingly inhales one entire rat annually while commuting.
TRAGEDY: Over 600 Boomers Found Dead In Wake of Lands’ End Sale Frenzy
In a tragedy of quaking consumer enthusiasm, more than 600 baby boomers have been found dead after weekend in what authorities are calling “the most dangerous retail event since Black Friday 2008.”
AN IN-DEPTH LOOK: Do Guns Make It Easier To Shoot Things?
A contentious debate is raging across the nation: are guns actually responsible for the startling rise in things and people being shot, or are things simply becoming easier to shoot on their own?
Clicks Finally Gets Someone To Buy One
In a development celebrated as the culmination of years of perseverance, innovation, and relentless advertising, Clicks, the phone case with a built-in physical keyboard, has finally gotten it’s first customer
BREAKING: All Water Officially Has At Least A Little Plastic In It
In a stunning announcement today, the Global Water Quality Consortium confirmed a total fuckin’ nightmare: every single drop of water on Earth now contains at least a smidge of plastic, ranging from a few microfibers to what experts are calling "a concerning chunk."
Area Family Only Has A Few Holidays Left With Uncle’s Hair
Acknowledging the somber reality that the good times were quickly running out, the Redding family reportedly planing to spend this year’s holiday gathering cherishing the few strands of hair still clinging to the head of their beloved Uncle, Jeremy.
MILF Manor Cast Feels Slighted After Being Passed Over for Trump Cabinet Appointments
The cast of Discovery’s MILF Manor has expressed frustration after being overlooked for Cabinet positions in President-elect Donald Trump's administration, despite the inclusion of individuals with backgrounds they deem comparable.
Senators Gather to Threaten The Unhoused, Again
In a groundbreaking press conference held on the steps of the Capitol this morning, a bipartisan coalition of lawmakers proudly unveiled their latest initiative: threatening the unhoused with bold, vaguely defined consequences.
BREAKING: Elton John A Narc Now
In a stunning turn of events, Sir Elton John has officially entered his narc era. The flamboyant pop icon, known for bedazzled costumes and chart-topping hits, made waves today when he publicly denounced the legalization of marijuana, calling it “the worst thing to happen to society since clashing patterns.”
Displacing Minority Community Once Again Deemed Profitable
In a move heralded as a "win for progress" by developers and a "win for absolutely no one else" by critics, plans for a new Sixers stadium in Philadelphia's Chinatown have sailed past yet another crucial hurdle this week.
Variety Bets It All on 'Actors on Actors'
In a move described by insiders as "either visionary or the end of days," Variety Magazine announced this week that it will double down on its flagship celebrity interview series Actors on Actors, pouring all of its resources into a strategy executives are calling “The Full Actor Immersion Initiative.”
Even Alien UFO’s Are Leaving Jersey For The Main Line
Alien visitors from space, piloting very visible UFO’s, have reportedly decided that even they have had enough of New Jersey. Their celestial sights are now set on the Main Line suburbs, citing "better energy vibes" and "a more refined abduction demographic."
Ooh My God! AND His Family Has Money?!
As the transportation and booking of Luigi Mangione, the devastatingly attractive suspect in the United Healthcare CEO shooting, continues to captivate the nation, a shocking new development has sent social media into a collective spiral: not only is Mangione absurdly handsome, but his family is also reportedly loaded.
God Tries Again To Burn California Heathens Alive
In a fiery rebuke of West Coast lifestyles, the Almighty Creator has once again attempted to "cleanse the land of unruly sinners" through a highly targeted act of divine arson, sources close to the situation confirmed Wednesday.
Luigi Mangione Charged With Murder and At Least Four Counts Of Being A Total Snack
Authorities confirmed Tuesday that Luigi Mangione, the 32-year-old Italian-American man accused of fatally shooting United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson, has been formally charged with first-degree murder—and, notably, with four counts of being an absolute knockout.