God Tries Again To Burn California Heathens Alive
In a fiery rebuke of West Coast lifestyles, the Almighty Creator has once again attempted to "cleanse the land of unruly sinners" through a highly targeted act of divine arson, sources close to the situation confirmed Wednesday.
Luigi Mangione Charged With Murder and At Least Four Counts Of Being A Total Snack
Authorities confirmed Tuesday that Luigi Mangione, the 32-year-old Italian-American man accused of fatally shooting United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson, has been formally charged with first-degree murder—and, notably, with four counts of being an absolute knockout.
Meet the 10 People Who Said They’d Be Willing to Govern New Jersey, For Some Reason
In a shocking turn of events, 10 individuals have bravely stepped forward to declare their willingness to be governor of New Jersey, a position that requires equal parts legislative savvy and the ability to survive Route 1 traffic during rush hour.
PARTNER CONTENT: Independence Blue Cross Is A Good Parent For Children
In an exclusive interview with NewsTime News where they paid us, Independence Blue Cross (IBX) proudly announced its commitment to providing a nurturing and supportive environment for children—much like a perfect parent, but with deductibles.
Abandoned Kool-Aid Jammer Burdened with Immortality
Trapped beside an old newspaper, just out of sight of a walking path, a single, unopened Kool-Aid Jammer has been forced to confront the profound existential crisis of eternal life, sources confirmed Thursday.
Trump Nominates Hailey "Hawk Tuah" Welch as U.S. Poet Laureate
President-Elect Donald Trump announced today that Hailey "Hawk Tuah" Welch, a social media personality and host of the wildly popular podcast Talk Tuah, will be the next U.S. Poet Laureate.
City Council To Squeeze More Money From Sixers Stadium Deal Before Voting
After months of public debate over the proposed $1.3 billion Sixers arena in Center City, members of the Philadelphia City Council announced Thursday that they are entering the "critical final stage" of determining exactly how much personal financial benefit they can extract before approving the deal.
Saquon Barkley Sets NFL Record as Best Overall Babysitter
In a groundbreaking off-field achievement, Philadelphia Eagles running back Saquon Barkley has been officially recognized as the NFL's all-time Best Babysitter. This honor comes after Barkley seamlessly balanced his rigorous training schedule with a weekend of babysitting duties for head coach Nick Sirianni's three energetic children.
Drone Will Finally Give Man Motivation to Write, Produce, and Direct a Feature Film
After years of lamenting his inability to follow through on creative projects, local man Jared Whitman, 34, announced Monday that his recent purchase of a high-end drone would finally provide him the inspiration he needs to write, produce, and direct a feature-length film.
Entire Philadelphia City Council Shows Up To Issue First-Ever Stopping-in-Bike-Lane Ticket
In a historic moment for urban governance, All seventeen members of the Philadelphia City Council convened Thursday morning at the corner of Broad and Spruce Streets to witness the issuance of the city’s first-ever ticket for stopping in a bike lane.
Naughty List Data Breach: Millions of Christmas Users’ Private Data Leaked Online
In a scandal that has rocked the Christmas industrial complex, Santa Claus confirmed today that the Naughty List—a highly sensitive database of misbehavior — was compromised in a massive cyberattack, exposing the secrets of millions worldwide.
TECH REVIEW: Apple Intelligence
Within days, it was predicting my coffee order before I even craved caffeine and suggesting the perfect email responses that somehow sounded more like me than I do. But after a week of using it, I started to feel a shift in our... dynamic. I think it’s mad at me. And I have no idea what I did wrong.
REPORT: Having One Bad Quality Officially Cancels Out Every Good Thing About You
In groundbreaking research that confirms humanity’s unspoken rules of judgment, a new study from Harvard’s Department of Oversimplified Psychology revealed Monday that having even one bad quality completely negates every positive trait you possess.
Gen Z Discovers What Oxford Dictionary Is As "Brain Rot" Is Dubbed “Word of the Year”
In a groundbreaking moment for intergenerational linguistic evolution, Gen Z collectively discovered the existence of the Oxford English Dictionary this week after the prestigious institution named "brain rot" as its Word of the Year.
Chinese Buffet Introduces Guarantee That Dad Will Make It Home Before Shitting Pants
In an attempt to its reputation as a family-friendly establishment, Golden Dragon Buffet unveiled its new “Dad Safe” guarantee this week, boldly promising that fathers dining at the restaraunt will make it home before shitting themselves in the car.
Joe Biden Sets Really Strict Parental Controls on Hunter’s New Laptop Post-Pardon
In what the White House is calling a “necessary step toward accountability,” President Joe Biden has reportedly installed strict parental controls on his son Hunter Biden’s new laptop, just hours after issuing him a full presidential pardon for all alleged wrongdoing.
9 Holiday TV Deals Guaranteed to Distract You from Your Marriage for At Least a Week
Ah, the holidays: a time for joy, family, and strategically avoiding meaningful conversations with your spouse. Lucky for you, this season’s TV deals are hotter than your most recent argument about who forgot to buy the eggnog. So, pour yourself a stiff drink, park your existential dread in front of one of these giant screens, and bask in the warm glow of willful ignorance.
Trump Slaps Huge Tariffs On Wives Purchased From Mexico And China
In a bold move aimed at “protecting American-made families,” former President Donald Trump announced new tariffs on foreign wives imported from Mexico and China, claiming it was time to “put American women first.”
Rebels Take Control of Aleppo in Huge Black Friday Sale
In what analysts are calling a landmark event for Middle Eastern geopolitics and consumer-driven insurrections, rebel forces successfully seized control of Aleppo today during a massive Black Friday blowout that saw territory prices slashed by up to 70%.
REPORT: Americans, Out Of Ideas, To Finally Buy Crosley Suitcase Record Player
In a display of apathy wrapped in faux nostalgia, millions of gift givers across the country are reportedly eyeing that Crosley record players as the ultimate “I’m out of ideas, but here’s something vaguely hip” holiday purchase.