Text Groups Explode As First Halftime Show Opinions Roll In
Millions of text groups across the country are reaching unprecedented levels of activity tonight as the first opinions about the Super Bowl halftime show came flooding in. Reports indicate that within seconds of the final note, smartphones overheated, friendships were tested, and at least three family group chats were permanently disbanded.
By The Numbers: Jake Elliott Worst Kicker Ever In Super Bowl
As the Philadelphia Eagles prepare for Super Bowl LIX, kicker Jake Elliott has achieved the dubious distinction of being statistically the worst kicker to ever grace the game's grandest stage. Let's delve into the numbers that highlight this unprecedented level of ineptitude.
All Big Boys Ready for Biggest Game
The air is thick with anticipation as the biggest boys in the land prepare for the biggest game of the year. Yes, it’s that time again—when big men in tight pants collide with each other at full speed while America collectively consumes cheese. The Super Bowl, known officially as “The Most Important Day in America (Other Than Black Friday),” is set to feature the two largest groups of large men who have trained their entire lives to move the ball. The stakes? Immortality, corporate sponsorships, and at least 30 minutes of ads that remind us about cars.
Punxsutawney Phil Predicts At Least Six More Weeks of Climate Disaster
At this year’s Groundhog Day ceremony, the world-famous Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his burrow, took one look at his surroundings, and promptly issued a bleak prediction: at least six more weeks of climate disaster. The announcement came as a surprise to the gathered crowd of Phil enthusiasts, many of whom were expecting the traditional meteorological forecast of either an early spring or prolonged winter.
Katy Perry's 'Lifetimes' Tour to Feature AI Holograms of Engaged Audience Members
Katy Perry announced that her upcoming Lifetimes tour will feature AI-generated holograms of excited audience members, ensuring an energetic atmosphere even if real attendees remain emotionally uninvested or non-existent. “We’re using cutting-edge technology to project enthusiastic fans into the arena,” Perry revealed in a press conference, where reporters noted she seemed slightly pixelated herself. “The AI will generate crowd reactions in real-time, so I never have to worry about a dead audience.”
CBS Evening News Revamp Mandated By Sun God Ra
CBS executives revealed that their latest version of the CBS Evening News, now co-anchored by John Dickerson and Maurice DuBois, was not a product of careful rebranding or market analysis—but a divine edict from none other than Ra, the ancient Egyptian Sun God.
America Shocked as Man Famous for Firing People Fires People
In a development that has left Americans baffled and clutching their pearls, former reality TV star and current president Donald Trump has reportedly fired a slew of government employees, judges, and anyone even tangentially connected to his legal woes.
Oscars Finally Add ‘Hottest Actor’ Category
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced today the addition of a long-demanded category: Hottest Actor. This marks the first time the Oscars have explicitly recognized the sizzling allure of Hollywood’s most snatched performers, setting X (formerly twitter), Tiktok, Instagram, Threads, BlueSky, and Truth Social aflame with opinions.
Gov. Josh Shapiro Circling Eagles Practice in Helicopter Before Super Bowl
In an unprecedented display of gubernatorial support, Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro was spotted hovering over the Philadelphia Eagles’ practice field in a helicopter this Monday. According to sources close to the situation, the governor is not merely cheering from above but actively collaborating with head coach Nick Sirianni to ensure the Eagles secure their Super Bowl win next Sunday.
Trump to Let Musk Put Little Green Sticky Stars on White House Bedroom Ceiling
In a move that has dumbfounded both political analysts and interior decorators, President Donald Trump has announced that tech mogul Elon Musk will be granted permission to adorn the ceiling of the White House primary bedroom with little green sticky stars.
Finally: Dunston Checks Out
After 27 years of tirelessly terrorizing concierges, outsmarting hotel security, and solidifying his status as the only orangutan to successfully perform a five-star room service heist, Dunston has officially checked out for good.
Local Party Goer Sits In Wet Chair First Thing
Local man Craig Dobbins made the rookie mistake of sitting in a visibly wet patio chair within 30 seconds of arriving at a neighborhood party last Saturday. Witnesses say the incident occurred just as the host cheerfully shouted, “Come on in! Make yourself at home!”—a suggestion Dobbins took far too literally.
Musk To Monologue Now That There's Nothing You Can Do To Stop His Plan To Conquer Earth
In a development that absolutely everyone who has ever heard him talk saw coming, billionaire Elon Musk announced today that he will deliver an uninterrupted villain-style monologue, claiming there is now “nothing you can do to stop my plan to conquer Earth.”
Apple's New Mixed Reality Headset Removes Unhoused From Your Field Of View For Only $2,500
In a groundbreaking move hailed by tech enthusiasts and morally conflicted suburbanites alike, Apple unveiled its latest innovation today: the Apple Shade Pro, a mixed reality headset designed to filter out the "inconvenient realities" of modern urban life—most notably, unhoused individuals.
Police Stamp Out Sunflower Growing In Wrong Neighborhood
A lone sunflower, growing defiantly through a crack in the sidewalk, met its untimely demise Tuesday afternoon after a tense standoff with local authorities. Officials report that the sunflower’s refusal to respond to questioning, coupled with its “unpredictable movements,” necessitated immediate and decisive action.
Local Man To Follow Even More Instagram Accounts Where Guys Ask Women On The Street Sex Questions
Local 26-year-old graphic designer Ethan Warden announced Wednesday that he plans to double down on his current Instagram strategy by following an even greater number of accounts where men approach women on the street to ask aggressively personal sex-related questions under the guise of “social experiments.”
TRAVEL REVIEW: Kyoto, Japan? I Don’t Know, Man.
Kyoto, Japan. A place so steeped in history that it feels like it should come with a warning: “May cause accidental learning.” Who can be assed to do school work when you’re trying to have a holiday? I spent three days there, walking amongst temples, shrines, and people who seemed to understand what they were doing. I, however, did not.
Friends Start Using Group Text Without You As Main One
In a development that has shaken your social standing, your close-knit group of friends has reportedly started using the group text thread they created without you as the main point of contact.
Blue Origin, SpaceX to Slam Rockets Into Each Other to See Who’s Biggest, Richest
In an unprecedented move aimed at settling the billion-dollar question of who’s the most colossal, wealthiest space overlord, Blue Origin and SpaceX announced today they will be hosting an unprecedented event: two rockets will be deliberately launched into one another at hypersonic speeds in what many are calling “the billionaire slap fight of the century.”
Superhero Born In Freak Raw Milk Accident
A local man has emerged as the world’s first superhero after a freak raw milk accident left him with extraordinary, and wholly unexplainable, powers. Jim Meadows, 34, was just your average suburban, casual fan of alternative health trends, enjoying a raw milk smoothie in his kitchen when disaster struck.