Drive-Through Order Bungled Terribly
A local woman is reportedly still recovering in bed at her home after placing a devastatingly mangled drive-through order, leaving both the fast-food staff and several innocent bystanders emotionally scarred.
5 Cheesesteaks That Will Get Him To Agree To Hang Out — And Not To Talk About How You're Better As Friends
It’s a tale as old as time: You invite him over, you think it’s finally happening, and then he drops the classic “I just really value you as a friend” line while leaving your heart in more pieces than a poorly sliced Amoroso roll. But don’t worry — it’s not you. It’s your cheesesteak strategy.
OPINION: We Are Living In The Golden Age of Ben's Parent's Backyard
It is no exaggeration to say that we are currently witnessing an unprecedented era of prosperity and cultural renaissance in Ben’s parent’s backyard.
EXCLUSIVE: First Look at My Dad’s Gun
This reporter has secured an unprecedented first look at my dad’s gun, a weapon so powerful, so complex, and so fundamentally mysterious that it has become the subject of intense speculation among the local neighborhood kids.
Local Man Gets Better Sleep After Starting Nightly Grapple with Shame 30 Minutes Earlier
In a revelation that has shocked Millbrook, local resident Michael Sanders, 28, has confirmed rumors that he is, in fact, a heterosexual.
Marijuana Cool-Factor WAY Down
Once the undisputed symbol of youthful rebellion, creative enlightenment, and low-stakes criminal mischief, marijuana is experiencing a severe image crisis in the wake of widespread legalization. A new study from the Pew Research Center shows that marijuana’s “cool factor” has dropped to historic lows, ranking just above drinking kombucha and slightly below having a skateboard.
JD Vance DID NOT Piss His Pants This Week
In a stunning victory for America’s values, Vice President JD Vance has accomplished something that the radical left and their allies in the fake news media said was impossible: he has gone an entire week without soiling himself. Yes, you read that correctly.
FanDuel Holds 'Responsible Betting Seminar' Where Every Attendee Gets $250 In Free Credits
FanDuel has announced the launch of a new educational initiative titled "Bet Smarter, Not Harder." The free seminar promises to teach attendees the dangers of gambling addiction and the importance of setting limits — while simultaneously handing out $250 in free betting credits to everyone who shows up.
American Division Gave This Local Man A Once-In-A-Lifetime Idea — Now He Can’t Remember It
In what experts are calling a tragic case of "involuntary idea evaporation," local man Carl Henderson is reeling after losing what he insists was "the most brilliant idea of his life" — an idea so profound it could have possibly united a divided nation.
TRUMP OFFERS BRILLIANT SOLUTION TO UKRAINE’S FINANCIAL CRISIS - FILE BANKRUPTCY
In yet another example of his business genius, President Donald J. Trump has suggested that Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky should "just declare bankruptcy" to fix Ukraine’s struggling economy.
White House Fence to Be Upgraded to Parapet Wall and Moat
Folks, it’s finally happening. After years of weak, porous security that left the White House vulnerable to rogue tourists and suspiciously well-organized joggers, President Trump is stepping up and doing what no other leader has had the courage to do: building a parapet wall and moat around the White House.
BREAKING: Jesus Backs President Trump’s Bold Leadership, Says “A Little Porn is OK”
America, rejoice! Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, has once again confirmed His close, unshakable bond with the greatest president in history, President Donald J. Trump. In an exclusive divine conversation between the two, Jesus reportedly assured President Trump that, contrary to what the radical left and liberal fake-news media say, "a little porn is OK."
Pole Finds ‘Sleepy Girl Mocktail’ More Popular With Americans Than ‘Racial Equality’
A shocking new poll from Gallup has confirmed what every hardworking, common-sense American already knew: The so-called "woke agenda" is being drowned out by cherry juice and magnesium powder.
Local Man Says He Wants ‘Real Notes’ On Crypto-Currency Podcast
Local crypto podcaster Derek Lawson has shocked his friend group by making an unprecedented demand: he actually wants real feedback on his podcast, Crypto Kings: The Future of Finance.
TRUMP TAKES A STAND: BRINGING BACK GOOD OLD-FASHIONED WORKPLACE CHARM!
America, the great and noble land of opportunity, is finally being saved from the suffocating grip of the radical left’s cancel culture. President Donald J. Trump—our fearless leader, the champion of freedom, the greatest businessman of all time—is stepping up once again to undo the damage done by years of feminist tyranny in the workplace.
College Friendship To Last Forever, Marked With Tattoos
A group of five best friends from Appalachian State University have sealed their lifelong bond in the most permanent way possible: matching tattoos of a poorly drawn pizza slice with the word “Forever” underneath it.
Local Family Abandons Dreams of Recycling
After years of diligently sorting plastics, scrubbing peanut butter jars, and arguing over what actually goes in the blue bin, the Henderson family has officially given up on recycling. “It started with hope,” recalled Gary Henderson, father of three and former believer in a sustainable future.
Children's Book Clearly A 'Gender Theory Manifesto,' Say Concerned Parents
A new so-called “children’s book” has come under fire from vigilant parents who bravely skimmed the cover and immediately detected the looming specter of gender ideology threatening to radicalize their unsuspecting toddlers.
BREAKING: Something Bad Might Have Happened to Local Dad
Reports from inside the Johnson household indicate that something “probably bad” may have happened to local dad, Jeff Johnson, 47, although details remain unclear as no one has bothered to check on him yet. Sources close to the scene—primarily his wife and two teenage children—confirmed that they “think” they heard a noise from the garage roughly an hour ago, followed by a faint "Ughh... oh no," but since the WiFi is still working and dinner isn't ready yet, there has been no immediate cause for concern.
REPORT: New Jersey Still Shithole
Despite years of federal funding, urban renewal projects, and the desperate prayers of its citizens, a new report confirms what Americans have long suspected: New Jersey is still a complete shithole. The study, conducted by the Institute for Urban Realities, found that New Jersey has maintained its title as the nation’s sand dumpster, citing a potent combination of oppressive taxation, rampant crime, and an overall aesthetic best described as “New York’s unflushed toilet.”