Trump Nominates Hailey "Hawk Tuah" Welch as U.S. Poet Laureate
President-Elect Donald Trump announced today that Hailey "Hawk Tuah" Welch, a social media personality and host of the wildly popular podcast Talk Tuah, will be the next U.S. Poet Laureate.
City Council To Squeeze More Money From Sixers Stadium Deal Before Voting
After months of public debate over the proposed $1.3 billion Sixers arena in Center City, members of the Philadelphia City Council announced Thursday that they are entering the "critical final stage" of determining exactly how much personal financial benefit they can extract before approving the deal.
Drone Will Finally Give Man Motivation to Write, Produce, and Direct a Feature Film
After years of lamenting his inability to follow through on creative projects, local man Jared Whitman, 34, announced Monday that his recent purchase of a high-end drone would finally provide him the inspiration he needs to write, produce, and direct a feature-length film.
Entire Philadelphia City Council Shows Up To Issue First-Ever Stopping-in-Bike-Lane Ticket
In a historic moment for urban governance, All seventeen members of the Philadelphia City Council convened Thursday morning at the corner of Broad and Spruce Streets to witness the issuance of the city’s first-ever ticket for stopping in a bike lane.
TECH REVIEW: Apple Intelligence
Within days, it was predicting my coffee order before I even craved caffeine and suggesting the perfect email responses that somehow sounded more like me than I do. But after a week of using it, I started to feel a shift in our... dynamic. I think it’s mad at me. And I have no idea what I did wrong.
REPORT: Having One Bad Quality Officially Cancels Out Every Good Thing About You
In groundbreaking research that confirms humanity’s unspoken rules of judgment, a new study from Harvard’s Department of Oversimplified Psychology revealed Monday that having even one bad quality completely negates every positive trait you possess.
Chinese Buffet Introduces Guarantee That Dad Will Make It Home Before Shitting Pants
In an attempt to its reputation as a family-friendly establishment, Golden Dragon Buffet unveiled its new “Dad Safe” guarantee this week, boldly promising that fathers dining at the restaraunt will make it home before shitting themselves in the car.
Joe Biden Sets Really Strict Parental Controls on Hunter’s New Laptop Post-Pardon
In what the White House is calling a “necessary step toward accountability,” President Joe Biden has reportedly installed strict parental controls on his son Hunter Biden’s new laptop, just hours after issuing him a full presidential pardon for all alleged wrongdoing.
9 Holiday TV Deals Guaranteed to Distract You from Your Marriage for At Least a Week
Ah, the holidays: a time for joy, family, and strategically avoiding meaningful conversations with your spouse. Lucky for you, this season’s TV deals are hotter than your most recent argument about who forgot to buy the eggnog. So, pour yourself a stiff drink, park your existential dread in front of one of these giant screens, and bask in the warm glow of willful ignorance.
REPORT: Americans, Out Of Ideas, To Finally Buy Crosley Suitcase Record Player
In a display of apathy wrapped in faux nostalgia, millions of gift givers across the country are reportedly eyeing that Crosley record players as the ultimate “I’m out of ideas, but here’s something vaguely hip” holiday purchase.
TRAVEL REVIEW: I wouldn’t say “Great” Lakes
After a week spent touring the so-called "Great" Lakes, I feel compelled to ask: Are we sure about the name? Because, having seen them firsthand, I’d argue the term “great” might be overselling it.
Archaeologists Uncover Child Skeleton Still Gripping a Fucking Bop-It
Archaeologists have unearthed the 4,000-year-old remains of a child clutching what appears to be a fully intact Bop-It, sparking debates among historians, toy enthusiasts, and people who love to “twist it.”
Governor Shapiro Lifts Bus Overhead, Declares He’ll Personally Fly Buses Before SEPTA Raises Fares
In what experts are calling “the boldest gubernatorial flex in history,” Governor Josh Shapiro stunned commuters Monday by hoisting a SEPTA bus high above his head and promising to personally fly it along its route if necessary.
Dr. Oz Says, “Free Medicare For All— Who Will Let Me Poke Their Freaky Bodies On TV
In a move described by critics as “incredibly on-brand,” newly appointed Head of Medicare Dr. Mehmet Oz has unveiled his revolutionary plan to provide free healthcare to all Americans—so long as they agree to appear on his talk show and endure a public analysis of their “deeply concerning lifestyle choices and shockingly poor posture.”
Atmospheric River and Cyclone Combine In What Some Are Calling “Normal weather”
In what meteorologists are describing as "a cataclysmic fusion of climate extremes" and Republican lawmakers are describing as "just a quirky Tuesday," an atmospheric river collided with a Category 4 cyclone this week, leaving much of the West Coast in a state of soggy disbelief.
TECH RUMORS: Mark Zuckerberg Still Refreshing Erica Albright’s Facebook Page
Despite being the multi-billionaire CEO of Meta and a central figure in the development of the modern internet, sources report that Mark Zuckerberg still spends a suspicious amount of time refreshing Erica Albright’s Facebook page.
Doctors Issue Stern Warning: America Can Not Continue To Run On Dunkin’
In an emergency press conference held early Tuesday morning, the American Medical Association (AMA) issued a stark warning to the nation: “America cannot continue to run on Dunkin’ without catastrophic consequences.”
REPORT: Santa Can’t Handle Stress Of Early-November Decorations
In a breaking development that has sent ripples through the holiday community, sources close to Santa Claus report that the man in red is officially “completely freaking out” after spotting Christmas decorations going up mere hours after Halloween ended.
TECH RUMORS: iPhone 17 Speakers That Can Fill Any Public Space.
One extremely reliable source says that the upcoming iPhone 17 will include what company executives are calling “LifeShare™️ Sound,” a revolutionary speaker system specifically designed to turn any restaurant, airplane, or crowded bus into a private concert for everyone in a 30-foot radius.
New Trash Pile in Northern Liberties Hoping To Make Name For Itself
A scrappy new trash pile that appeared this week in the middle of North 2nd Street in Northern Liberties has big dreams for its future.