Children's Book Clearly A 'Gender Theory Manifesto,' Say Concerned Parents
A new so-called “children’s book” has come under fire from vigilant parents who bravely skimmed the cover and immediately detected the looming specter of gender ideology threatening to radicalize their unsuspecting toddlers.
REPORT: New Jersey Still Shithole
Despite years of federal funding, urban renewal projects, and the desperate prayers of its citizens, a new report confirms what Americans have long suspected: New Jersey is still a complete shithole. The study, conducted by the Institute for Urban Realities, found that New Jersey has maintained its title as the nation’s sand dumpster, citing a potent combination of oppressive taxation, rampant crime, and an overall aesthetic best described as “New York’s unflushed toilet.”
Netflix to Produce First Streaming Infomercial
Netflix has announced its first-ever streaming infomercial. Titled The Ultimate Buying Experience: Stream, Watch, Purchase, the program aims to seamlessly blend the thrill of binge-watching with the guilt of impulse buying. "We realized that people love two things: streaming content and purchasing items they don’t need at 2 AM," said Netflix's new Head of Interactive Content, Chad Salesman. "Why not combine them?"
SMUG AIRLINE ELITE LOOKS DOWN ON HARDWORKING AMERICANS FROM COMFORT PLUS
Folks, we have yet another example of America’s elites rubbing their privilege in the faces of real, hardworking travelers. Meet Jeff Lancaster: a so-called “Comfort Plus” passenger who loves watching everyday Americans trudge past him to the cramped back rows, all while enjoying his extra two inches of legroom like some kind of airport aristocrat.
‘Babies That Code’ Holds First Hackathon
Babies That Code (BTC), a visionary initiative spun off from the celebrated Girls That Code movement, hosted its first-ever hackathon this past weekend. The event, held in a padded, baby-proofed co-working space, saw a record turnout of over 100 infants and their highly ambitious parents, all eager to prove that it’s never too early to enter the world of programming.
OUTRAGE: Another Man Asks Innocent Citizen If They’ve Ever Had a REAL Bagel
In yet another assault on freedom and common decency, sources confirm that an unidentified man has approached an unsuspecting citizen—again—with the age-old, unsolicited question: “But have you ever had a real bagel?” This latest incident, which took place at an undisclosed location (but, let’s be honest, probably near a coffee shop), has left many wondering: How much more of this can we take?
Musk To Let Trump Use The Car On Friday Night
Sources close to the duo report that Elon Musk has graciously decided to let Donald Trump take the car out on Friday night—but only if he promises to be home by 11 PM and charges the Tesla before he gets home. "It's important to teach responsibility," Musk explained at a recent press conference, where he spoke about the challenges of parenting an excitable president. "Donald really wanted to go out with his friends, but I had to remind him that borrowing the car comes with conditions. We can't have him joyriding around Mar-a-Lago with Steve Bannon in the passenger seat, blaring Kid Rock again."
TRUMP FOR POPE? THE CHURCH NEEDS A BUSINESSMAN
The Vatican is in crisis, folks. Pope Francis, 88, is struggling with health issues, reportedly battling pneumonia and early-stage kidney failure. And while we all wish him well (thoughts and prayers!), the Catholic Church needs to start thinking about what comes next.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Who could possibly fill the shoes of the Supreme Pontiff, the Vicar of Christ, the Holy Father himself?” Well, I’ll tell you who, folks. It’s a man of action. A man of strength. A man who knows how to win.
Yes, I’m talking about Donald J. Trump.
SCARY: Could Your Child’s Soccer Coach Be A Terrorist?
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to wake up. While you were busy watching your child dribble down the soccer field, did you stop to ask yourself: Could Coach Martinez actually be an undercover operative, plotting something sinister while pretending to care about your kid’s footwork? If you didn’t, well, that’s why we’re here—to do your thinking for you.
Entitled Democrat Goes Into A Walmart
Eyewitnesses report that an entitled Democrat was spotted inside a Walmart this week, raising questions, concerns, and even mild panic among regular shoppers. The incident occurred Tuesday evening in an undisclosed location (to protect the terrified witnesses), when an individual, later identified as local Democrat voter Taylor Winslow, was seen perusing the aisles of the beloved all-American retail chain. Eyewitnesses say Winslow looked “out of place” and “suspiciously comfortable” among the selection of good big mayonnaise, camouflage Crocs, and even the bins of decorations still from Fourth of July.
RFK Jr. Admits He's Been Eating All The Eggs
Newly appointed Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. confessed yesterday to consuming the country's entire egg supply. "I couldn't help myself," Kennedy admitted in a press conference, yolk still visible on his tie. "Every time I saw an egg, I just had to eat it. Omelets, scrambles, even raw – you name it, I ate it." This startling admission comes as Americans face soaring egg prices, with some states reporting costs up to $10 per dozen. Retailers like Trader Joe's have implemented purchase limits to manage the dwindling supply.
U.S. Senate Celebrates Very Special Birthday, Boy
The U.S. Senate came together Tuesday for a truly historic event, throwing a grand birthday bash for Senator Mitch McConnell, who, according to official records, turned an astonishing 200 years old. The celebration, held in the Capitol Rotunda, featured all the hallmarks of a distinguished congressional gathering: excessive decorum, an unreasonably large cake, and several speeches that took so long.
Trump To Eliminate DEI From Drinking Fountains
In his ongoing war against the tyranny of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI), President Donald J. Trump has announced his latest act of heroism: the full elimination of DEI from America’s drinking fountains. At a packed rally in Alabama, surrounded by devoted patriots, Trump declared, “No more woke water! We’re bringing back good old-fashioned American hydration!”
Trump Enacts Prima Nocta
President Donald Trump has signed an executive order reinstating the archaic and widely debunked medieval practice known as "Prima Nocta." The President announced this decision during an impromptu press conference at Mar-a-Lago, stating, "We're bringing back the best traditions, the greatest traditions. People are saying they want this. Tremendous support."
War Grinds On As Peace Talks Continue to Falter Between Baldoni and Lively
Despite numerous attempts at diplomacy, the bitter feud between actors Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni shows no sign of abating, with tensions escalating to Cold War-levels of passive-aggressive social media posts and cryptic late-night talk show jabs.
SCIENCE: New Study Finds Americans Now 1% Soda
A groundbreaking new study from the National Institute of Nutrition (NIN) has revealed that the average American is now composed of approximately 1% soda, marking a historic milestone in human physiology. Scientists, who had been monitoring the effects of excessive sugary beverage consumption for decades, admitted they were both impressed and slightly horrified by the findings. “We’ve always known Americans loved soda,” said Dr. Linda Carbon, lead researcher at NIN. “But we never imagined they’d physically become part soda.”
Vice President Vance Serves ‘Glorious, Cut, Penis’ To Europes Leaders at Munich Security Conference
In a masterclass of raw leadership and strategic dominance, Vice President JD Vance stunned the world at the Munich Security Conference by unveiling what he proudly called his "glorious, cut, penis" in a bold and unprecedented act of diplomatic brilliance.
U.S. To Offer Citizenship Plus & Citizenship Ultra
In an effort to modernize the immigration process that many are calling “a total fucking doomsday scheme,” and the beginning of “tiered living,” President Donald Trump announced today the introduction of Citizenship Plus and Citizenship Ultra, two premium options for those seeking the American Dream.
Filler News Content Way Down In 2025
Media analysts report that 2025 has seen a dramatic decline in filler news content, leaving Americans dangerously overexposed to actual, substantive information. Since President Trump’s return to office and the abrupt launch of a global tariff war that economists are describing as either “a 4D chess move,” or “basically a game of Jenga,” news outlets have struggled to find time for their usual steady diet of feel-good puppy stories, TikTok trends, and breathless speculation about celebrity Instagram likes.
Seniors Bond Over Grandchildren Who Work In ‘Computers’
A group of local seniors at the Silver Horizons Retirement Community has discovered a profound connection: their grandchildren all work in something called "computers."
“It’s just so nice to have someone to talk to about this,” said Margaret Hensley, 78, as she adjusted her pickleball visor. “My grandson Kyle is works in computers. Or on computers? Either way, he’s doing something with them.”