Senators Gather to Threaten The Unhoused, Again
In a groundbreaking press conference held on the steps of the Capitol this morning, a bipartisan coalition of lawmakers proudly unveiled their latest initiative: threatening the unhoused with bold, vaguely defined consequences.
Displacing Minority Community Once Again Deemed Profitable
In a move heralded as a "win for progress" by developers and a "win for absolutely no one else" by critics, plans for a new Sixers stadium in Philadelphia's Chinatown have sailed past yet another crucial hurdle this week.
Even Alien UFO’s Are Leaving Jersey For The Main Line
Alien visitors from space, piloting very visible UFO’s, have reportedly decided that even they have had enough of New Jersey. Their celestial sights are now set on the Main Line suburbs, citing "better energy vibes" and "a more refined abduction demographic."
God Tries Again To Burn California Heathens Alive
In a fiery rebuke of West Coast lifestyles, the Almighty Creator has once again attempted to "cleanse the land of unruly sinners" through a highly targeted act of divine arson, sources close to the situation confirmed Wednesday.
Abandoned Kool-Aid Jammer Burdened with Immortality
Trapped beside an old newspaper, just out of sight of a walking path, a single, unopened Kool-Aid Jammer has been forced to confront the profound existential crisis of eternal life, sources confirmed Thursday.
Trump Nominates Hailey "Hawk Tuah" Welch as U.S. Poet Laureate
President-Elect Donald Trump announced today that Hailey "Hawk Tuah" Welch, a social media personality and host of the wildly popular podcast Talk Tuah, will be the next U.S. Poet Laureate.
City Council To Squeeze More Money From Sixers Stadium Deal Before Voting
After months of public debate over the proposed $1.3 billion Sixers arena in Center City, members of the Philadelphia City Council announced Thursday that they are entering the "critical final stage" of determining exactly how much personal financial benefit they can extract before approving the deal.
Drone Will Finally Give Man Motivation to Write, Produce, and Direct a Feature Film
After years of lamenting his inability to follow through on creative projects, local man Jared Whitman, 34, announced Monday that his recent purchase of a high-end drone would finally provide him the inspiration he needs to write, produce, and direct a feature-length film.
Entire Philadelphia City Council Shows Up To Issue First-Ever Stopping-in-Bike-Lane Ticket
In a historic moment for urban governance, All seventeen members of the Philadelphia City Council convened Thursday morning at the corner of Broad and Spruce Streets to witness the issuance of the city’s first-ever ticket for stopping in a bike lane.
TECH REVIEW: Apple Intelligence
Within days, it was predicting my coffee order before I even craved caffeine and suggesting the perfect email responses that somehow sounded more like me than I do. But after a week of using it, I started to feel a shift in our... dynamic. I think it’s mad at me. And I have no idea what I did wrong.
REPORT: Having One Bad Quality Officially Cancels Out Every Good Thing About You
In groundbreaking research that confirms humanity’s unspoken rules of judgment, a new study from Harvard’s Department of Oversimplified Psychology revealed Monday that having even one bad quality completely negates every positive trait you possess.
Chinese Buffet Introduces Guarantee That Dad Will Make It Home Before Shitting Pants
In an attempt to its reputation as a family-friendly establishment, Golden Dragon Buffet unveiled its new “Dad Safe” guarantee this week, boldly promising that fathers dining at the restaraunt will make it home before shitting themselves in the car.
Joe Biden Sets Really Strict Parental Controls on Hunter’s New Laptop Post-Pardon
In what the White House is calling a “necessary step toward accountability,” President Joe Biden has reportedly installed strict parental controls on his son Hunter Biden’s new laptop, just hours after issuing him a full presidential pardon for all alleged wrongdoing.
9 Holiday TV Deals Guaranteed to Distract You from Your Marriage for At Least a Week
Ah, the holidays: a time for joy, family, and strategically avoiding meaningful conversations with your spouse. Lucky for you, this season’s TV deals are hotter than your most recent argument about who forgot to buy the eggnog. So, pour yourself a stiff drink, park your existential dread in front of one of these giant screens, and bask in the warm glow of willful ignorance.
REPORT: Americans, Out Of Ideas, To Finally Buy Crosley Suitcase Record Player
In a display of apathy wrapped in faux nostalgia, millions of gift givers across the country are reportedly eyeing that Crosley record players as the ultimate “I’m out of ideas, but here’s something vaguely hip” holiday purchase.
TRAVEL REVIEW: I wouldn’t say “Great” Lakes
After a week spent touring the so-called "Great" Lakes, I feel compelled to ask: Are we sure about the name? Because, having seen them firsthand, I’d argue the term “great” might be overselling it.
Archaeologists Uncover Child Skeleton Still Gripping a Fucking Bop-It
Archaeologists have unearthed the 4,000-year-old remains of a child clutching what appears to be a fully intact Bop-It, sparking debates among historians, toy enthusiasts, and people who love to “twist it.”
Governor Shapiro Lifts Bus Overhead, Declares He’ll Personally Fly Buses Before SEPTA Raises Fares
In what experts are calling “the boldest gubernatorial flex in history,” Governor Josh Shapiro stunned commuters Monday by hoisting a SEPTA bus high above his head and promising to personally fly it along its route if necessary.
Dr. Oz Says, “Free Medicare For All— Who Will Let Me Poke Their Freaky Bodies On TV
In a move described by critics as “incredibly on-brand,” newly appointed Head of Medicare Dr. Mehmet Oz has unveiled his revolutionary plan to provide free healthcare to all Americans—so long as they agree to appear on his talk show and endure a public analysis of their “deeply concerning lifestyle choices and shockingly poor posture.”
Atmospheric River and Cyclone Combine In What Some Are Calling “Normal weather”
In what meteorologists are describing as "a cataclysmic fusion of climate extremes" and Republican lawmakers are describing as "just a quirky Tuesday," an atmospheric river collided with a Category 4 cyclone this week, leaving much of the West Coast in a state of soggy disbelief.